When I first started this blog I had titled it A Penny For Your Thoughts. My late grandmother used to say that to me and I found it quit endearing. However once I started thinking of upcoming topics I would eventually write about I realized that I was primarily going to be sharing my crafts, my chronic illness experiences, and my attempt at adulting despite it all. So I changed the name to Crafts, Chronic Illness, and Adulting because I’m kinda logical that way. The truth is though, despite the fact that I am indeed an adult, I no longer feel like I’m actually adulting. When I came up with the name, it was supposed to be a humorous play on words but I’ve never taken the time to really explain that.
As any person with a chronic illness knows you become limited, in one way or another, with your capacity to function. Some people are obviously much more functional and those more fortunate folks are out there truly adulting. Others of us are trying as hard as we can but frankly, we aren’t able to get much adulting accomplished. Before you shake your head, scoffing, and click away just give me two more seconds to explain.
I can no longer work, drive, grocery shop, go for walks alone, and so, so much more. Those are things adults must do to actually survive. Where I live, you pretty much have to be able to drive a car. So you see my point? Yes, I’m an adult and also yes, I’m no longer adulting even though I want to, with every fiber of my being. I want to go to work and earn a living, I would LOVE to go for a drive alone wherever I want to go without feeling like I’m a bother, and oh how I’d love a long walk on the beach, but nope.
I won’t lead you down the dark path of grief and despair and eventual ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ moment it took to even think that play on the word adulting in the blog title was funny. At first it was heart wrenching; now I’m numb and it just is what it is. Maybe it’s acceptance, maybe it’s survival. My nature is that of a fiercely strong and independent woman who prided herself on how far she’d come despite it all. Ha! That was before I was ill and ‘despite it all’ meant something so completely different. I’m still strong and very proud of myself for enduring what I’ve had to over the last few years but let’s be honest I’m no longer fiercely independent. In fact I’m fiercely dependent, like a child, and in my book that’s not adulting.
I’ve seen the following question bouncing around on social media lately: what would you do if you woke up well one day? I’ve pondered this for several weeks now. What’s the very first thing I’d do? Well I’m a very cautiously optimistic person so I’d go for a walk to see if any of my symptoms reared their ugly head and then I’d wait 48 hours to see if anything happened, and then, then I’d grab life with all my might and I’d never let go. I’d return to work, I’d drive, I’d shop, I’d like to think I’d take adulting to a whole new level! The difference would be that I would know, more intimately than ever, just how precious our time here on earth is and that each moment matters.
I contemplated ending this post up there with that last sentence but I couldn’t sign off without adding one more thought. As I see it, each moment matters whether you are ill or not. Unfortunately, societal pressures make us feel ‘less than’ if we are ill and cannot conform. But these are your precious moments folks, each and every one of them. Whether you are glued to the bed, dragging yourself to another appointment, whether you are adulting or not, your moments matter just as much as able bodied people. So no I’m not adulting right now, not like I once was anyway, but I’m still smiling because at the end of the day, of my life, these were my moments, adulting or not, and I want to make the most of them in whatever way possible.
Thank you for following along! Below are some of my little paintings as I continue along with World Watercolor Group’s daily prompt. To conserve energy, but still paint daily, my paintings are around four inches tall, some smaller but not taller as my paper is 8X5. 🙂