Grace Of A Woman

Well, once again my ability to Adult has been tested and once again, I’ve proved I need supervision. 😁 Yesterday, I decided I could paint a few extra things (three little pictures) AND go to a doctor’s appointment. I knew after the appointment I was spent but the adrenaline from the appointment had me amped and so I proceeded with the painting. And then last night as a reward for pushing my body way too hard I crashed, scary crashed. So today’s blog will basically be me sharing a poem with you that I love and also in order shake yesterday’s doctor’s appointment I’m going to vent about it a little below.

Most importantly, the poem. In the early 90s I came across this poem, I don’t remember where, but I fell in love with it instantly. Considering I still see others quoting it I think it resonates with many. It’s helped me through some of the most trying times in my life, most especially the last three and a half years. If you haven’t had the pleasure, enjoy.

After A While
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises

and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child

and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much

so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

Isn’t it neat? I suppose it’s a little sad but I feel like the advice is timeless.

And now, as promised a little more about my doctor’s appointment yesterday. It was a routine follow up to go over lab results. The doctor though that I saw last time wasn’t the doctor I was seeing this time. The last doctor ordered a bunch of tests but this doctor didn’t know why or what his thought process was. After waiting in the waiting for an hour, during flu season 😷, I was called back. The nurse began the routine questions and then said, “I see you have CFS but have you been diagnosed with like an actual illness?” Folks, the above poem resonated within me, grace of a woman and not the grief of a child, as my emotions swirled like a tornado, I calmly looked at her and said, “Yes, CFS.” I then showed her my four-page, single-spaced symptom list and told her, one day I didn’t have all these symptoms and the next week I did and they’ve not gone away. She actually took a few moments to look at the list, not one doctor has done that in my presence, so there was a little redemption there.

The doctor enters and you can tell he has no idea why the other doctor ran all the tests. Five of which did not come back in my favor. What he doesn’t know at this point is I have all the results on my phone on the lab app. The nurse proceeds to tell the doctor all the labs looked fine. Which I know is a blatant lie because five of them are out of range. So I asked him THREE TIMES what one of the lab results means and he asks the nurse to look it up…but later. (WHAT???😳) Then I show him on my phone that my hemoglobin is low, because they can’t seem to find those results, and thats when he realizes I have all the results. He says he doesn’t think I have anemia but doesn’t provide any further explanation, despite low hemoglobin, and at that point I was referred to a different doctor (if the insurance company approves it this will be health care professional 30), outside their practice, because I think they’ve realized that I’m not going to tuck my tail between my legs and I need actual answers. He writes a few more prescriptions for me, even though I’ve told them literally repeatedly that everything I have taken makes me feel much worse and tells me to come back in a month and he’s gone. I then ask the nurse for an explanation of labs and also for a copy of some other test they ran at a private facility. I kid you not, she googled the labs and read the explanations. That was it, she had no idea why they were run, nor do I. I only know they were out of range. So anyone still reading, if you have CFS and have high beta 2 globulin (I know it’s a tumor marker and has something to do with cancer but am wondering if it’s common with CFS) and high complement, total (CH50) and feel like private messaging or commenting I’d be interested to know. And she did not give me a copy of the private labs because they are going to mail them to me… Just by show of hands who here thinks that’s going to happen? …anyone? Yeah, me neither, but rest assured I will obtain it one way or another.

And lastly if you are still reading down here you’re probably following along so I thought I’d let you know my son is doing okay. His insurance card finally came and he will have an appointment in the beginning of March. He’s still having pain in his veins, numbness and tingling of the hands and feet, and what he describes as feeling like his limbs are going limp. But it seems to have peaked and he’s tough cookie so he’s patiently waiting.

Wishing you all a Happy Valentine’s Day ❤️ tomorrow. I know it’s a love it or hate it day. I propose if you haven’t a Valentine, treat yourself to whatever you’d like, chocolate, movie, whatever suits your fancy.

Thank you for reading along! I appreciate that you took the time out of your day, I really, really do. Here are several more paintings from the past week and now, back to resting.

27 thoughts on “Grace Of A Woman

  1. That is very frustrating 😦 … I totally empathize, I was wrongly diagnosed with CFS (it used to be called the waste paper basket illness here until attitudes changed & recent research revealed differently) for three years until I changed my physician who diagnosed with a myriad of tests Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, coeliac & sent me to a Rheumatologist that diagnosed Fibromyalgia. Then everything made sense…

    So glad your son has health insurance!
    Jennifer

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad you received a diagnoses! That must have been such a relief. I’m sorry to hear you have FM though, it can be tough depending on your level of severity. I’ve had it since ‘04 and it’s nothing like CFS for me. CFS took me out at the knees, whereas FM I could totally manage with diet, exercise and stress management. Thank you for reading and commenting!🌼Wishing you a best as can be day🌸😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you, you’re very kind. It’s the fatigue and literally 143 other symptoms that came with this illness over the course of one week three and a half years ago that overwhelmed my body. It’s very sick but each day I make the best of it, staying in the day, sometimes just in the very moment. Someday though, hopefully very soon there will be known causes, treatments and hopefully cures. Someday…

        Hoping this finds you having a lovely tea-filled day! ☕️ 🌸

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Totally empathize it is all the nasties that accompany these chronic conditions that are so challenging!
        Thank you, tea is always a great idea 🙂 isn’t it…a friend & I often giggle that it solves our worlds problems when we sit together over a cuppa! 🙂
        Jennifer

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I appreciated that poem you shared it was very touching. The line about growing your own garden instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers really resonates with me. I’ve been in the habit over the years of thinking happiness comes from someone else bringing it to you. This places a heavy burden on that individual and a sore reality when they can’t provide it. Also, regarding your dr. Appt., I feel your pain!!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed the poem. It’s about one thing, I think, but can be applied to so many other areas of life. Love that line too…time to make ones own happiness. I subscribed to that philosophy when I saw this, as much as I was able, and I think it’s helped throughout the years. I’m happier I know that.😊 I’m sorry you can relate to the appointment…I wish nobody could so there’d be more hope but lately so many of us feel like nothing more than billing codes. Hoping today is best as can be for you and thank you for reading and commenting! It’s always neat to hear other people’s experiences.🌼😊

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I can see why you over-exerted yesterday, and heck did you have the patience of Job to put up with all of that with your appointment! Things like this never fail to amaze me, even though I’ve dealt with similar stupidity and seeming inability to do the simplest of things from doctors and so-called experts in their field. I’m glad your son is holding in there okay and that his insurance card came through – I’ll keep my fingers crossed and wish him all the very best. I’m afraid I can’t help with beta 2 globulin (don’t think I’ve ever had this tested..) but perhaps Google will be your friend there – I’ve found “Three studies found elevated levels of beta-2 microglobulin in CFS patients ” so it does sound like a general inflammatory and immune system issue that could be common in CFS. Please take care of yourself and rest up today – happy Valentine’s! 🙂
    Caz x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words and also the lab information! I’ve googled it but it just terrifies me so I thought maybe it’s just common amongst the crowd. Yes, definitely resting, my body is not allowing anything further right now. Pacing is such a challenge at times. Sometimes I just want to do things like a typical person. Hoping all is well as can be with you and thank you for taking time to read and comment.🌸 Happy Valentine’s Day to you too!❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Happy Valentine’s Day to you too! So glad your Son is hanging in there! Ever wonder why we pay these Doctors? I think they forget who pays them. Lol. I used to have things like that happen way too often! My primary care Dr is an Internist (Internal Medicine) at a University Hospital. It has made all the difference in my care!! She keeps the other specialist on their toes also! You might consider seeing one if you haven’t. They put all the info, tests and reports from specialist together and treat the whole situation… Work with All symptoms & conditions not against them. Continued prayers…Hang in there!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I love hearing when people have great care! It reminds me its out there. I begged and pleaded to be seen at the local university but they will not see anyone with CFS. I have no idea why. But trust me I tried, especially since the local university is actually researching CFS. But nope. Thank you for reading and sharing what’s worked for you. I really appreciate it! And yes, I’m a tough cookie 🍪😊 Hoping you have a lovely day🌸

      Like

  5. I’m really sorry you had to expend all your energy on such a disappointing appointment. I wish you were treated with more dignity because you deserve it, and you clearly acted with dignity. So glad your son has an upcoming appt, and I hope things go better for both of you soon. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  6. It still amazes me that we are sick, yet expected to fight harder than we ever have, simply for answers. In order to not strangle doctors, and keep fighting for myself, I tell myself that Doctors are just “PRACTICING” medicine… by the time all is said and done I shall have earned a medical degree from simply being a patient. Please keep us updated on your son, and ty for sharing the poem. ( I will be printing that one out for sure)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. So sorry you had such an awful medical appointment, yet again. I still can’t believe the nurse said that to you. Actually I can, because we get so little support and understanding, but still I find it shocking. I can imagine how terrible you must have felt afterwards, and I’m sorry you had to go through that, with still no answers. Grrrrr. I’m afraid I don’t know about the lab results, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was something that was high in people with CFS. I hope you get some answers soon. It’s so frustrating that we seem to have to do all our own research into these things isn’t it!
    Just love the poem. Thank you for sharing. I’m glad to hear your son is coping ok and not too long now until his appointment. Wishing you a peaceful weekend xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Emma. 🌼 It’s honestly taken a few days to shake it all off. Next week I’ll start the wheels of proactivity. It’s shocking with this illness just how much energy mental stress takes out of you and how it’s absolutely paralyzing at times. I’m glad you enjoyed the poem, it’s really very pretty and also very helpful when all you want to do is freak out!😳😁 Hoping your weekend is peaceful too! Thank you for stopping by! 🌸

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m so sorry to hear about you rough experience at the doctors. So frustrating, isn’t it?
    You have to be your own advocate with this illness – else we just won’t get any help.

    Loving your paintings. I have been painting a bit daily too lately, it’s so relaxing, but I do pay for sitting at the table… Hope you have a lovely week. Hugs, Char

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kindness.🌼 Energy is such a precious resource and to have to use it this way is trying. Hopefully someday things will be easier for us all.

      How neat you’ve been painting! I paint in bed with a little 5×8 watercolor pad I order off amazon. I started with an easel but the weight hurt me. My little book is small enough to manage and light enough to not hurt my legs. I put a towel down under it all so I don’t lose (anymore😁) clothes. And I just do a little at a time pacing to give myself time to relax my muscles and mind. It’s proved incredible therapeutic. Hoping you find ways to make it less painful for you. Hoping today brings you an easy go of it🌸

      Liked by 1 person

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