Disability Hearing Results

Last week I was sitting in my therapists office explaining to her that while many other people on social media say they are thankful for their illness, I cannot seem to reach that state of being. I’ve so many emotions with regard to being ill, but thankfulness just isn’t one of them. It concerns me because I want to process as best as possible…yep, still over achieving over here. So I was going to write about that today. I was going to explore my current life and find ways to be thankful for the little areas I’ve grown, entirely because I spend my days in bed. But then yesterday afternoon happened and honestly I’ve been spiraling.

My disability hearing decision arrived. A couple weeks ago I woke up knowing it would be denied. Those premonition type feelings usually come true for me so I was expecting that outcome. As I opened the envelope I saw the word UNFAVORABLE at the top and I thought okay, time to do some major Adulting in the presence of your son right now. Well, that was my thought, but what I actually did was hand the 20 pages of paperwork over to my son to let him read them. He was horrified. It was filled with lie after lie. Just so you know he attends 90% of my doctor’s appointments. He knows what I say, he knows what they say, and obviously he knows what my days look like. If I had to guess, because I perfectly fit the criteria of CFS on the social security website and had approximately 800 pages of medical records (per my attorney) submitted to the courts, as well as the evaluations filled out by several doctors, that the judge just had to make stuff up to deny my case. Because let me tell you, it was like he wasn’t even talking about me. He called me and my doctors liars by continuously using the words ‘not consistent’.  There were facts that were wrong, as well as dates, and even misspelled words. It was unbelievable. I knew he’d been flagged by the social security administration for his ratio of denials, but what I didn’t know is what length he would go to and how willing he was to run someones name through the mud to get there, not just me, doctor’s too. Reputable, upstanding, Harvard graduating, doctor’s, who would never put there jobs on the line by lying on an evaluation form for me.

So it’s been 24 hours now. I’ve spoken with my attorney’s office. And I’m trying to process in bits and pieces as I push through the day. I know that tomorrow I’ll begin to shake it all off and figure out the best course of action. There are so many things I could write right now but considering my mood I’m going to table my thoughts.

My advice: Don’t be unmarried and get sick in America. Especially without family to stand behind you. It’s an awfully heartbreaking experience and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Thank you for stopping by, next week I’ll probably explore thankfulness and chronic illness, but as you can probably imagine today doesn’t bring a whole lot to mind. I’ll close with this, because I believe in emotional accountability, and don’t want to leave you down in the dumps alongside me. Today my shower chair, prescribed by my doctor, has arrived and it’s a glorious tool! Truly the highlight of my day.


32 thoughts on “Disability Hearing Results

  1. Oh gosh. Firstly, don’t feel you like EVER have to be thankful for your chronic illness. You can be thankful for certain aspects of your life now, or what you may have learnt, but I will never be thankful for this illness devastating my body. Ever.

    Second, I’m so sorry about your disability hearing. It must be devastating to hear those lies written about you. I know, as I’ve had to read them too and it just cuts you deep to your soul. You value yourself as an honest person who is in a position of vulnerability asking for help, and that vulnerability gets abused. I hope you can make some sort of appeal.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you🌸 I can see in your words you know what I’m saying, it’s about the injustice, the slander, the maliciousness. I’d never treat another human being like that and it’s shocking that it’s happened in a court of law! Not by an attorney, but a judge. Unacceptable. I’ve been advised to start a new case which would start from filing date forward. An appeal would lead me back to this same crooked judge. I also lose out an all back pay by doing this.

      I’m sorry you can relate. We don’t deserve this. And I also find comfort that you experience the same feelings of not being thankful for this illness. I’m happy for those that can, there must be a peacefulness there that I’d love to tap in to but for now just no. Thank you for your compassion, Siobhan🌸

      Liked by 3 people

      1. No worries, and I wish you the best with starting a new case if that’s how you wish to proceed. It’s a disgrace that you even need to consider this action.

        Regarding thankfulness, my psychologist used to tell me that you have to accept things, but you don’t have to like them.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I’m just a stranger on the internet in Australia, but know that my heart goes out to you.

    I think being grateful for our suffering has become a trendy Western thing and isn’t suitable for everyone’s situation. “Everything happens for a reason” etc is said to people with good intentions but can be a burden. If thinking that way helps somebody then good on them, anything to alleviate the difficulty of being human is great. But we shouldn’t feel guilty if we don’t feel grateful for our suffering. We can be grateful for some of the things we’ve learned and people we’ve met, but if being grateful for the whole thing isn’t your truth then don’t let it become another thing to feel guilty about failing at. It sounds like your plate is full enough without adding to your worries.

    And my deepest sympathies for your bloody awful health system. I can’t believe what you guys have to go through to access your basic human rights for healthcare.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you, Kemmy. One thing I’ve come to greatly appreciate is connecting with people all around the world. I appreciate you sharing your wisdom. I’m generally a thankful person; I count my blessings nearly daily. But as you put it, being thankful for this illness is not my truth. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts.🌸 Hoping today is kind to you.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My advice…dont be anything other than white upper-middle-class and well/neurotypical *ever* in America. Mistreatment is everywhere of the vulnerable, and I can honestly say from my own experience recently, even fighting something as obvious as “don’t mistreat disabled folks then out-and-out forge documents about it and misbill for ridiculous amounts that use up all that person’s care hours for a year in only a few months to justify that mistreatment” comes down more to how good a lawyer you can afford than anything approaching “justice.” I hope yours is a good one…you are sorely in need of some of that privilege that only money buys in America, too, it seems. Sorry this happened to you 😦 This country sucks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh no. That’s terrible. What is wrong with people?! Hoping you get what’s rightfully yours back to use. Greed seems to be at an all time high in this country. People talk about this great care they receive and I think where are you going to the doctor, the Disneyland of health care? Surely it’s some magical kingdom that I don’t have access to. And oh how I wish, my attorney’s office works on contingency. Someday I ponder with writing a book about my life and titling it Slipping Through the Cracks. Thank you for your compassion and sharing. If it’s any consultation I love reading what you have to say.


  4. Tamara

    I am so sorry this has happened to you! It is hard enough to fight this illness, we should not have to fight to get our basic rights as chronically ill human beings! Please know this is not about you but very much about a broken system. I am certain these words fall short when the “why” doesn’t matter but the outcome does. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. What a heartwrenching experience. Stick with your attorney. As for me, I am not thankful for my illness. I was an overachiever … long-standing “the youngest ever to…” That was my trophy. When I got my disease it took me YEARS to accept it. Not be ‘grateful,’ ‘thankful,’ or ‘happy’ about it. Acceptance means to live accordingly (with your disease). Not over-extending myself, taking medications that help me, going to, AND refusing therapies that affected me. Never, ever will I be grateful that this illness. It isn’t a gift, it’s an error made by the human fallible body. Accept it and live WITH it to obtain the BEST outcome you can possibly achieve. THAT is a life lived fully and happily~ despite the illness intruder! (They weren’t invited!) I wish you kindness and clarity during this ridiculous process!!! ~Kim

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your wisdom and compassion. Processing the grief of chronic illness is hard enough, but putting dishonest judges and lack of any income on top of it seems incredibly wrong. But what’s done is done, for now. I remain steadfast on my belief that a cure is around the corner and each day is a gift regardless. Hoping today finds you well as possible.🌸

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I truly am sorry about the awful experience you’ve had. I can’t believe the injustice of it all. It’s so so bad. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but it just totally sucks. Sending thoughts and wishes for some better times ahead xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Emma. My well-self would be furiously writing letters, making calls and making certain someone above this judge finds out he lies to make his point, which in turn slanders the character of ill human beings. But my sick-self isn’t able, just yet. Too much negative energy in one direction isn’t healthy for any of us. But at some point in my life I will make certain it’s known to his overriding superiors, even if it’s years from now. I’m getting through it a little better each day. And your compassion does help. To know that there are others that understand, vs feeling completely alone in this, is comforting beyond words. It’s sad too because I wouldn’t want anyone to be able to relate but that’s beyond my control. Thank you again again 🌸

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I’m so sorry you are going through all this. I have been in the exact same position and had so many lies written in my assessment. I ended up writing an 8 page letter correcting everything they had said that wasn’t true.
    I really hope you can appeal and get the decision you need xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you and I’m so sorry to hear you went through this too. I’m hoping your decision has been favorable now. I can’t help but think being ill with no financial support does nothing but make us more ill. There’s no giving-up in me and I will keep trying but it’s a process that’s certainly not helping my wellness. Hoping today is best as can be for you.🌸


  8. Well… sighhhh… let’s hope that crooked judge finds himself featured on an exposing episode of Dateline or something, one day! 😛 :-/ For now, I wish you well and hope the red tape gets snipped sooner than later! 🙂 ❤ Jackie@KWH

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Not much to add they the others haven’t already said but just wanted to say thank you for sharing and I’m sorry to hear you got knocked back. As for being thankful and feeling gratitude, I think you can leave that to the same people who want to be seen as “inspirational”. It’s ok to feel ripped off and bitter, too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for stopping by for a read and for your compassion. Taking some time to process then it’s back to figuring it all out, again. It sure is an emotionally draining process, one I wouldn’t wish upon anyone…except maybe the people who have denied the case. Hoping today is kind to you.🌸

      Liked by 1 person

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