Last week I was sitting in my therapists office explaining to her that while many other people on social media say they are thankful for their illness, I cannot seem to reach that state of being. I’ve so many emotions with regard to being ill, but thankfulness just isn’t one of them. It concerns me because I want to process as best as possible…yep, still over achieving over here. So I was going to write about that today. I was going to explore my current life and find ways to be thankful for the little areas I’ve grown, entirely because I spend my days in bed. But then yesterday afternoon happened and honestly I’ve been spiraling.
My disability hearing decision arrived. A couple weeks ago I woke up knowing it would be denied. Those premonition type feelings usually come true for me so I was expecting that outcome. As I opened the envelope I saw the word UNFAVORABLE at the top and I thought okay, time to do some major Adulting in the presence of your son right now. Well, that was my thought, but what I actually did was hand the 20 pages of paperwork over to my son to let him read them. He was horrified. It was filled with lie after lie. Just so you know he attends 90% of my doctor’s appointments. He knows what I say, he knows what they say, and obviously he knows what my days look like. If I had to guess, because I perfectly fit the criteria of CFS on the social security website and had approximately 800 pages of medical records (per my attorney) submitted to the courts, as well as the evaluations filled out by several doctors, that the judge just had to make stuff up to deny my case. Because let me tell you, it was like he wasn’t even talking about me. He called me and my doctors liars by continuously using the words ‘not consistent’. There were facts that were wrong, as well as dates, and even misspelled words. It was unbelievable. I knew he’d been flagged by the social security administration for his ratio of denials, but what I didn’t know is what length he would go to and how willing he was to run someones name through the mud to get there, not just me, doctor’s too. Reputable, upstanding, Harvard graduating, doctor’s, who would never put there jobs on the line by lying on an evaluation form for me.
So it’s been 24 hours now. I’ve spoken with my attorney’s office. And I’m trying to process in bits and pieces as I push through the day. I know that tomorrow I’ll begin to shake it all off and figure out the best course of action. There are so many things I could write right now but considering my mood I’m going to table my thoughts.
My advice: Don’t be unmarried and get sick in America. Especially without family to stand behind you. It’s an awfully heartbreaking experience and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Thank you for stopping by, next week I’ll probably explore thankfulness and chronic illness, but as you can probably imagine today doesn’t bring a whole lot to mind. I’ll close with this, because I believe in emotional accountability, and don’t want to leave you down in the dumps alongside me. Today my shower chair, prescribed by my doctor, has arrived and it’s a glorious tool! Truly the highlight of my day.