My Heart On The Page

I’ve always promised honesty here and also that I blog every Tuesday, good days and bad. The below are the only words I can find today.

If you’re a regular follower you might have seen that my furkiddo has been sick. Sadly, it went from bad, what we thought was a torn ACL and arthritis, to worse, aggressive cancer. This is your forewarning that if you’re an animal lover the below is sad. He’s here, he’s napping right in front of me right now, but his time here on earth is short. In an attempt, after finding that news out less than 24 hours ago, to center myself because I honestly can’t seem to stop the tears, I wrote the below. It’s not a poem, it’s not an anything more than my heart on the page.

I Didn’t know…

Our last walk, one of our favorite things to do together, would be our last

It was your last trip up and down stairs, that you’d never come upstairs again

It was the last time you’d sleep protectively at my bedside

It was the last time you’d give the UPS driver and any other delivery person who dare come to our door a warning bark

Our last road trip would be your final road trip

Your favorites of sweet potato, carrots, and pumpkin would be something you’d turn your nose away at

It would be the last time you’d have the energy to wag your tail in excitement to see me but I’ll always clearly remember it

You had six tumors, I didn’t know you were in pain, I’m so, so sorry I didn’t know that my best buddy

10 years ago the absolute joy you would bring to our family, the fun, the silliness, the feeling of safety, the love. I couldn’t have ever known so much love existed.

What I do know is…

I gave you all my love and will continue to, you will be forever in my heart

You will always be my protector and my friend, these last four and a half years when you were working overtime as you seemed to sense I was weaker than before

On bad days you patiently waited by my side, on good days you accompanied me on little walks, always stopping and standing like a gate in front of me when my heart rate got too high

That I feel like I should have known. Was I so wrapped up in my own illness I missed it? I’m being told that’s not the case, that this cancer sneaks up on most, is aggressive, is common in your breed, it’s not my fault, but somehow it still feels that way.

What I do know … is that the unconditional love you bestowed upon me, upon our family, will be one of the greatest gifts of my life. I love you buddy, forever and always.


Just a couple of paintings this week. Energy has been used hanging out with my buddy. In case you made it all the way down here and wanted to see his handsome face, here he is, his name is Kaiser and he just had his tenth birthday on January 11th. Hoping today is kind to you. 🌸

 

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39 thoughts on “My Heart On The Page

  1. Awe. I am so sorry! I lost my little dog, Lilo, to cancer in the leg. They do love unconditionally. I went back in my mind several times… did I do all I could for her? Yes. It is still sad. They say dogs come into our lives for a short time because they understand unconditional love and give it. Humans need to learn how to give and receive it. So, we live longer. Don’t know if that helps in ANY way. I’ll be thinking of you both.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Smoutess

    I want to reach out and give you a big virtual hug. Losing our fur babies is so hard. I don’t know if it will help, even a tiny bit, but I was a Veterinarian before I got sick and I didn’t realise one of my furkids was riddled with cancer until it was far too late to do anything but palliative care. Sometimes, they just don’t give us signals that are clear enough for our human brains to interpret.

    Please give yourself permission to grieve. They are such an important part of our lives and it is only right that we should mourn them and not bottle it up and try to pretend we are fine. Talk to your psychologist or a grief counsellor if you don’t have one.

    Sending much love and compassion.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience. Your words actually do help. It says online that dogs often collapse from this kind of cancer and when they ultrasound they find tumors on the spleen and liver, which is what he has and what happened. That owners typically had no idea. It’s just we’re together 24 hours a day, I should have noticed something.

      I’m definitely grieving, I don’t know when it’ll ease up. But yes, luckily I have a therapist I see to deal with the effects of mecfs on my life so she will help guide me in the most healthy direction. Thank you again, your compassion is greatly appreciated. 🌸

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  3. Sending you gentle hugs Mishka, this is devastating news… This made me cry, I lost my Australian kelpie Polly, my work dog from the farm which I bought with me when I moved to the coast as she was my little mate, in 2008 from pancreatitis. We didn’t even know she was in such pain. 😦
    I haven’t had another furry mate since. ♥
    Jennifer

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry for your loss, Jennifer. I was reading today that dogs easily show fear but not pain. They just adapt. I can only imagine you know the heartbreak I’m feeling of finding out they’ve been soldiering on in pain just to please you. Their love is a love that can’t be defined. Kaiser will be my one and only doggie. Sending hugs 🌸

      Liked by 1 person

      1. She was a very stoic breed too Australian Kelpie. But such a sweet natured dog. She was chosen for me by my late husband from our working dog Kit’s litter of 12.
        She was my first & only working sheep dog that I trained myself. She was such a huge help when working the sheep especially after my husband died & I did most of the shepherding work myself 😀 sweet, sweet memories of such a faithful companion & work mate… 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  4. My heart breaks reading this. I am so sorry to hear about Kaiser. It’s hard losing our four-legged best friends and family members. There is no other relationship that provides the loyalty, non-judgment, and unconditional love like that of a dog and its humans. Sending giant virtual hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hugs. My heart aches for you. Losing a pet is losing a family member. Remember, though, that you got him treatment right away and even the vet didn’t know at first. I think we get so used to having to be our doctor, and that everything is on us, that we extend that to even “I should have caught what the vet didn’t.” You did everything right, and it is ok to not take on *all* the responsibility for everything, even if it feels like we’re supposed to. It was obvious from your posts you did everything you could think of for your beloved friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re so right. He even has a donated wheelchair coming from when I thought it was just his ACL. My boundaries of responsibility are seemingly nonexistent with those I care for. My SO made a comment that he’s gotten better care than I do. He has had some top notch vet care, thank you, your words are helping ease my guilt of what more I should have done.

      In this moment he’s snoring beside me and I’m trying like he** to just stay in this very moment.

      Hoping today is kind to you. You inspired me recently to finally order a cane and I have found it so helpful in stabilizing, so thank you for that🌸

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  6. Oh Mishka, I’m so sorry. My heart is breaking for you…. Our fur babies are such an important part of our lives, bringing us unconditional love and joy. Please know there’s nothing you could have done differently; I know it’s easy to second-guess ourselves and wonder how we didn’t know something was going on, but dogs are exceptional at hiding their pain. You have given Kaiser a wonderful life, and when he crosses that rainbow bridge, he’ll do it knowing that he was absolutely and completely loved. Sending you love and warm hugs, dear friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Tamara

    I’m so trebly sorry you are having to go through this. Pets makes chronic pain more barese and life more joyful. I’m glad you had him in your life and that he had you!! Be kind to yourself love. Praying for you both.
    ~ Tamara

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m so sorry I’ve only just spotted this, for some reason I hadn’t picked it up sooner. I’m so sorry about your furbaby, that’s heartbreaking. You can’t know these things, and although you know it’s not your fault, I can see why that feeling will linger. But what matters more than anything is that you’ve loved him, he’s loved you, and he’s known that. He’s been lucky to have you, as you were to have him. I’m truly so incredibly sorry. I hope you’ve been able to spend as much time and have as many hugs as possible since you wrote this. Sending lots of hugs your way  ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
    Caz xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your compassion, Caz❤️ To see your pet who has loved you unconditionally suffer in anyway is heartbreaking, especially when you know first hand how awful chronic pain and illness are. It doesn’t seem at all fair. But I’m keeping the happy, sweet memories in my heart forever.🌸 Hoping today has been kind to you.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. He was gorgeous and your lists touched my ❤ all true for us fur mommies in the moments we lose or are about to lose our babies. I too beat myself up..did i do all i could? Hubz reminds me and so did our vet how iven done more then most, and i shake my head, i feel ive done only what needed to be done…

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    1. Thank you, he was a beautiful guy, inside and out. He was so sweet and smart. All my Kaiser truly wanted was to be near us and with my illness we’ve been at each others side for 4.5 years so I know he was content. But grief still plays on you, what could I or should I have done differently. I couldn’t have spoiled him or doted on him more so that’s where I have to find peace. It sounds like you loved with your whole heart, that’s more than so many other pups get and it sounds like yours was very blessed to share his/her journey with you 🌸

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes love is plently here with our fur babies for sure. Its true the bond strengthens when a humn is ill. My luxy loo 2 yr old border collie lab lays by me barley eating or going out if im in bed on a bad day..its like they know and i am more greatful for her loyalty and comfort then she will ever know.

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