I’ve always promised honesty here and also that I blog every Tuesday, good days and bad. The below are the only words I can find today.
If you’re a regular follower you might have seen that my furkiddo has been sick. Sadly, it went from bad, what we thought was a torn ACL and arthritis, to worse, aggressive cancer. This is your forewarning that if you’re an animal lover the below is sad. He’s here, he’s napping right in front of me right now, but his time here on earth is short. In an attempt, after finding that news out less than 24 hours ago, to center myself because I honestly can’t seem to stop the tears, I wrote the below. It’s not a poem, it’s not an anything more than my heart on the page.
I Didn’t know…
Our last walk, one of our favorite things to do together, would be our last
It was your last trip up and down stairs, that you’d never come upstairs again
It was the last time you’d sleep protectively at my bedside
It was the last time you’d give the UPS driver and any other delivery person who dare come to our door a warning bark
Our last road trip would be your final road trip
Your favorites of sweet potato, carrots, and pumpkin would be something you’d turn your nose away at
It would be the last time you’d have the energy to wag your tail in excitement to see me but I’ll always clearly remember it
You had six tumors, I didn’t know you were in pain, I’m so, so sorry I didn’t know that my best buddy
10 years ago the absolute joy you would bring to our family, the fun, the silliness, the feeling of safety, the love. I couldn’t have ever known so much love existed.
What I do know is…
I gave you all my love and will continue to, you will be forever in my heart
You will always be my protector and my friend, these last four and a half years when you were working overtime as you seemed to sense I was weaker than before
On bad days you patiently waited by my side, on good days you accompanied me on little walks, always stopping and standing like a gate in front of me when my heart rate got too high
That I feel like I should have known. Was I so wrapped up in my own illness I missed it? I’m being told that’s not the case, that this cancer sneaks up on most, is aggressive, is common in your breed, it’s not my fault, but somehow it still feels that way.
What I do know … is that the unconditional love you bestowed upon me, upon our family, will be one of the greatest gifts of my life. I love you buddy, forever and always.
Just a couple of paintings this week. Energy has been used hanging out with my buddy. In case you made it all the way down here and wanted to see his handsome face, here he is, his name is Kaiser and he just had his tenth birthday on January 11th. Hoping today is kind to you. 🌸