What you see Vs. What you don’t see

You know those days, the ones where blogging feels like an insurmountable feat? On those days I take to google for ideas, in hopes that surely a clever blogger out there has shared a list of witty writers-block blog ideas; eventually I stumble across something that clicks. The truth is, in one sentence, and then it’s off to the topic at hand, I’ve been super depressed about my ridiculously lacking medical care, worsening symptoms, and most recent SSDI denial, and the thought of getting all up in my feels here just sounds like a bad idea (being chronically ill is literally breaking my heart right now but please don’t worry as I’m okay), so instead I’ve plucked an idea off the internet that has literally nothing to do with chronic illness and without further ado…here it is.

Who people think you are, compared to who you really are.

A teensy bit of back story, and all kinds of overshare. My parents were hippies, like Haight-Ashbury hippies (as if my name didn’t give that away 😉); I was born in San Francisco in the 70s. Unfortunately, my parents’ marriage was not to be, and my mom and I moved further North to the majestic Redwood forest area when I was two. She remarried the son of rancher and we lived on a very large family-owned cattle ranch. I was the only little girl, with several boy cousins. I grew up fishing, dirt biking, climbing trees, and all the other fun stuff little boys in the country typically do. The difference between the boys and me was that growing up my mom was VERY strict about certain things, etiquette and my general girly presentation, but let other things completely slide, like letting me play in the dirt to my heart’s content. In reflection I guess this resulted in a well-mannered, soft spoken, but very shy, tomboy. Eventually my mom’s marriage unraveled, taking some of the better parts of her with it. At the age of 14 I was whisked away from my small town country life that held everything I knew and loved, to the much more populated Cardiff-by-the-Sea (a beach town 700 miles South) to live with my father, a very serious and quiet man who I’d seen twice, once at three when I stayed with him for around six months and once at 12, since we left him when I was two. We had no relationship, as he’d made no attempt to contact me throughout the years; living with him through the high school years was rocky at best. I’m going to take little to no blame for the rockiness, but I’m also not going to bore you with the details. My dad and I did rekindle our relationship in the last years of his life. Suffice to say, at one point in high school I ended up needing a nighttime mouth grinding guard because I was so stressed, I was literally stress grinding my teeth away while I slept. I reached out for help to my extended family in the early days of living with him, but for whatever reason, nobody came to my rescue. So, I counted down the days until graduation and moved out the day after, at the age of 17. In the end, my well-mannered, soft spoken, but very shy, tomboy nature, gained another label, survivor. And in the first few years after graduation, I made a variety of decisions that in reflection I question (I fully accept responsibility but I also think some positive role models wouldn’t have hurt), but in the end it’s all led me to who I am today, a happily 20-years divorced mom of my one and only, favorite son, with a boyfriend of many years.

And I suppose that leads us to today. All my adult life people have seemingly had a

xmas party 13
Holidays 2013

difficult time pinpointing me based on my appearance. It’s not entirely their fault, in my heart there’s still a part of me that is a country girl on a cattle ranch that longs for solitude and the quietness of the countryside with a long lost yearning in my eyes, but there’s also a part of me that’s eternally preppy and needs to be near the crashing waves of the seashore. Truthfully, there’s still a part of me that doesn’t mind getting dirty, and sees things for what they are, but another part that loves to dress like Jackie Kennedy and wear pearls, and I can see how that would be curiously confusing.

I guess since I’ve decided to air so much of my dirty laundry out on the line here I will

IMG_4184
Where did my smile go?

also mention that I have major resting b**** face. What some people perceive as uppity, is actually me just being shy or lost in my thoughts, in actuality I’m a long way from uppity. Just recently my bf took a photo of me where I swear I was smiling, and yet once again, no smile (I’m including it so you can see for yourself). I’m really quite friendly, as anyone who truly knows me knows.

I guess at the end of the day, aside for my inner desire to be both at the beach and in the country simultaneously, as I’ve left my heart equally in both places, one of the quirkiest parts about me is no matter what you’ve been through I’ve (or someone who has confided in me) likely been through something similar. I used to be that person who people would confide in, that person who you start talking to and before you know it you’ve shared something you’ve never shared before. Consequently, I’ve seen a lot, heard a lot, and I think it’s because of that that I’ve also learned to appreciate the subtlest nuances in life. When you see the trials life can present, when you live them, when you watch other people go through them, you begin to really understand that the littlest things, like a blooming flower are actually very special. You learn to count your blessings. I guess in the end it doesn’t matter if people can read me for who I truly am or not, what matters is that because of my life experiences, some of which I’d gladly have let slip me by, I’m able to appreciate more than your average person, and for that I’m really very thankful because it often leaves my heart lighter and happier.

As I’m wrapping up this blog I’m thinking wow, Mishka, way to write an “all about me, my, and I” post, but I think it’s helped me remember who I am, where I came from, and that life can be really challenging at times, things don’t always happen when you want them to, but still you survive, and for that there’s an abundance of thankfulness to be had. Thank you for joining me today, now you know the kind of stuff my therapist has to listen to. 😁  I know there are about a million other things you could be doing, and I appreciate you took the time. Hoping this week is kind to you. And for those of you with resting ‘B’ face, I feel your pain. 😉 A few more doodles.

15 thoughts on “What you see Vs. What you don’t see

  1. I am so very sorry that you have had to go through all this…………I wish I had words that would comfort and send peace, but I know there is nothing I can write that would make it better.
    I can see a smile in both pictures! 🙂 and you are BEAUTIFUL!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I too have a resting b face. I swear i never use to, i was the girl who smiled so hard my cheeks hurt-post childhood. Ive said it before but would like to remind you if you may happen to need to hear it…your not alone many in the world walk in your shoes, its no “cure” but perhaps today will be a little bit better knowing so. Also write about whatever you want. For me my blog is my dairy…the good bad and ugly 💛
    Not going to lie ive hit google for suggestions too…i enjoy looking up national days too and sharing those

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the reminder, it’s very easy to feel all alone but nothing could further from the truth. Everyone has their challenges and I know that, I know it’s not the challenge but rather how you deal with it but this time seems to have grabbed hold tightly. I’ll shake it off, I know my life is filled with abundant blessings but sometimes I can’t help but grieve my old life. Thank you again and hoping that things are smooth sailing for you this week. 🌸

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read through my cup running over today, and for your support. One of those days/weeks. One more Dr appt tomorrow then nothing until Dec. Hopefully tomorrow’s will be completely uneventful and informative. 🤞Hoping things are going as best as possible for you. 🌸

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry at this post. I did snort when you said you had a major resting bitch face! I think I have one of those too 😂
    I think it can help to take a step back and look at who you are, to remember who you are deep down, to remember what’s really important. I’m just so sorry you have to go through all of this. Chronic illness can be beyond heartbreaking. I wish I could do or say something to help. Please know I – and all of your readers here – am thinking of you. I think you’re awesome, Mishka. Lots of love to you  ♥
    Caz xxxx

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    1. It seems you picked up on the original intent of the post, 😊which was supposed to be lighthearted! But the more I wrote the more it couldn’t stay that way. Resting B face is a challenge! We can’t just go around with huge freaky smiles on our faces all the time! Especially when ill, then it’s what you see is all I have to give. So … good times 🙃 Thank you for your compassion, it truly is comforting to know I’m not marching to this illness alone. We all fall, we all rise up again and again. This one is a doozy but it’s day by day taking better care to eat more fruits and veggies and keep my gut as happy as possible to hopefully keep my little ‘imagination station’ happy too. Today it’s off to a CT scan of my pesky neck then it’s rest from Drs until December. Hoping you have a peaceful weekend, and that you too know that you are awesome🌸

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  4. I fear I have RBF, LOL. Too funny. I don’t always feel like smiling, but I usually want other people to ‘think’ I am happy or at least not in pain. I don’t like to admit to others how much physical pain I am often in.
    Plus: I think there is a difference between smiling because you want to be smiling, because smiling really is ‘fun’– whether or not there is also pain. Versus smiling just to keep people from seeing your pain and to put on a front of something you aren’t inside. I too often have done the latter! And so this post was timely for me, a good reminder to be real, and to still smile, when it is safe, and to not feel too badly about being fake either (when it isn’t safe to be real). That often requires being very selective about the company I keep as well as how I spend my time. And that’s what resonated the most with me, so I am glad you shared these thoughts!
    FWIW, I see a smile in your ‘unsmiling’ photo–plus: you are beautiful!! ❤️❤️❤️

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    1. This was really interesting to me. It left me pondering if I’ve often forced a smile to put others at ease. I don’t think I have. I’m fairly serious unless I know someone quite well and I’ve never felt the need to pretend to smile. So I find your comment interesting because I’m very certain that your responses are typical and mine aren’t. My mother was forever telling me to smile as a child. I just never felt the need 😁 And yes, smiling through the pain comes with acceptance and a bit of winning and defeat. For me it’s been accepting that my pain is completely different than my happiness. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Hoping today was or is kind to you 🌸

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      1. Yes, that is VERY interesting. If I am the more typical type of person it would be a first for me as normally I am the odd one out, LOL. But I’ll take it! I also read something somewhere about how to tell (generally speaking) when grown men are truly being intimate with one another and the sign is that they are often like children and they will joke and laugh and smile a LOT with one another, whereas if men are first getting to know each other they are far more serious with one another. Whereas with women it is, again: generally speaking, more often the exact opposite. Women smile and seem more ‘happy’ with each other it often means that their relationship is shallower or newer, and you can tell when two women have known each other for a longer time or are super comfortable with each other as they smile less with each other and seem far more serious.
        I do think it can be both though, too. I just like smiling and laughing and always have. It is how I cope with being in a lot of pain or illness, too. Some of it is that too 🙂 ❤️❤️ Great discussion. Hope your day is/was kind to you as well!

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