What was it?

Was it the mental preparations? Was it the list making? Was it the researching?

Was it the culmination of documents over at least a months’ time?


Was it the actual appointment?

Was it handing over some of the worst ways my body has failed me in the last five years of my life to a total stranger, a doctor, but still a stranger to me?


Should I have paid closer attention when the next morning I awoke with eyes that were swollen as if I’d cried myself to sleep, only I hadn’t, a wretched pressure type headache, and a mental haze that seemed more significant?


Was it two days later when, with the same absolute screaming headache, I forced myself to the dentist because I had cancelled last minute due to health reasons too many times?

Was it the new dentist, who did not have a gentle touch, or the piercing sounds of getting my teeth cleaned? Was it a warning sign when I left the dentist with multiple different types of headaches?

You see I thought I’ll just rest myself back to baseline, instead the next day was worse, the next day the same, and yesterday, in some ways, even worse.

To put it in perspective, I went to a doctor’s appointment a mile from my home and two days later I had my teeth cleaned. I have not been anywhere else. I have spent approximately 23 hours and 50 minutes of each day in bed with post exertional malaise, aside from the dentist, since last Wednesday with bouts of vertigo, and too many other symptoms to list. I haven’t been able to tolerate the movement on TV, it triggers my vestibular issues, i.e. vertigo. If you are thinking I’m complaining, it’s not my intention. My intention is to spread awareness of my experience with MECFS. I have better days where I can come on here and joke around, and make light of the situation, but I’m human, and I have these days too. Days where I just sit and wonder, what was it that I did to myself to end up here, trapped in this body, in this room, in this illness, and how do I never do it again…but still live my best life.

Thank you for stopping in today. Sorry for the Debbie downer post. If you like to laugh check this out – it’s today’s daily Brandon Farris video. If you don’t know who that is…check him out! If you pray or send good thoughts out or whatever you do, keep Australia in your thoughts. A few doodles.

18 thoughts on “What was it?

  1. Ugg! I was just conveying some of these things today! Our lives are individual microcosms unto themselves and no one but NO ONE understands unless they are you. The million point two details that go into every day that people take for granted until they can’t anymore. I realize now how guilty I was of that in the past. The loss of simple abilities or ease at something seemingly insignificant seems as big as the earth when it’s gone. I know you are constantly battling so much but vertigo, in addition, is the *absolute* worst and so debilitating. I always described it as a bowling ball inside my skull. I will never forget it! Im so sorry you’ve been experiencing that 😔

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Eloquently put, and thank you for your compassion. Unfortunately vertigo is my bodies go-to symptom when it feels like I’ve overdone it, or it just generally doesn’t like something, like meds. It really is awful. It forces me into a puddle of a human but thankfully, eventually it retreats. And when it’s gone I feel absolutely blessed that for today I’m not violently spinning and that’s worth all the celebrating in the world. Hoping all is best as can be with you and your growing family. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You literally just described what happens when my days are like other people’s no big deal days. But for me they are go to a doc or 2 relatively close or headache(putting it mildly) out for the coun 3+ days.

    Not to sound stupid but what does MECFS stand for? As soon as you tell me I might know, but right now I;m clueless.

    Hope you get back to baseline sooner rather than later….hopefully.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey “debbie downer” (your words not mine) I’m glad you were still able to “show up” today, but you know what?…. It’s also ok not to push yourself. Vertigo has to be one of the scariest thing for me, probably because vomit or a fall etc happens right after 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so sorry you deal with vertigo too. It’s awful. Completely debilitating. Being off balance is pretty typical for me now but vertigo … nope nope nope I loathe it. I contemplated canceling blog Tuesday today but I was so frustrated about feeling so crappy that I thought it might help putting into words. Part of my problem though is I keep pushing myself and this illness calls for you not to do that. But I know you get it just like me, we have no quit button. Hoping today is kind you and completely uneventful (in a no injury kind of way ;).


  4. Oh Mishka, I’m so sorry. But don’t you apologise, it’s not a ‘Debbie Downer’ post it’s an honest one and I think if we don’t sometimes vent out just a little of this stuff we’d explode (which is another symptom – self combustion – which we don’t need to add to the list!) This is part of what often frustrates the heck out of me, not knowing what’s happening or why or what’s caused it. Sometimes no matter what we do or don’t do these ‘things’ happen, our bodies fail us or come up with new ways to floor us. I really, really do hope things can ease. Times like these the usual crappy baseline starts to seem pretty good! Sorry I have nothing useful to add here whatsoever, I just want you to know I’m thinking of you. Sending hugs  ♥
    Caz xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Caz💕 Your words of compassion are incredibly useful to me. There’s really not much we can all do to help one another but just knowing someone is wishing you well is priceless. Today was a bit better, or I am incredibly stir crazy and pushed myself to shower when I shouldn’t have! 😬 Tomorrow will tell. Hoping things are going best as possible for you🌸

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh Mishka, I hadn’t really this post before I made my other comments. I didn’t realise it was this bad. As if the symptoms weren’t enough, it’s the constant second guessing of yourself and what caused what. There’s never a straight answer. Sending very gentle hugs and hoping things improve little by little each day.

    You might be beating yourself up now (I know I would be!] but I think you were very brave to go to these appointments. We have to make impossible choices every day and all we can do is our best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your compassion. 🌸 I read today that inflammation from dental work can cause vertigo in those prone so now I’m left wondering if that was partially it, and also now I have yet another reason to not love the dentist. Ahhh life, I think perhaps my love of simply being is balanced by life itself. Too deep? Probably 😁 Bit by bit I’m climbing up 💪 Hoping life is treating you kindly!🌸

      Liked by 1 person

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